My child turns two. This is what I’ve learnt from his first 1,000 days of life

This week my son Lorenzo turns two, marking the end of his first 1,000 days of life. If you’re confused about the maths, don’t worry, you’re not counting wrong. The idea of the first 1,000 days is that they include life from conception, through nine months of pregnancy until two years of age. I find this way of accounting for the beginning of life very meaningful because it acknowledges that life starts with the decision (or lack thereof) to get pregnant, and includes choices, laws and societal attitudes around sexuality, pregnancy, as well as early childhood.

Now that his first 1,000 days are coming to a close, I want to reflect on how things went. Please note: this is not a review of how I fared based on how my son has developed (I don’t think we should talk about success or failure, or judge parents at all, as I wrote in a previous story). What I’m sharing here is a different kind of reflection – it’s some of the lessons I’ve learnt while choosing to get pregnant, carrying a baby and then accompanying this new being in his first two years of life.

1. Everything is easier with a community around you. I’ve never been good at asking for help, but as I got pregnant and then Lorenzo came along, it became more and more evident that I needed a lot of help from others in order to make it to the end of the day. For example, in the first days of Lorenzo’s life, I was not capable of feeding myself. I just couldn’t physically do much more than keep Lorenzo fed, and I often wished I had an extended family around, or lived in a tight-knit community who could pitch in on a daily basis. When I did find myself living with friends, or back in Argentina with our big family, things were often easier. Good medical personnel also made a huge difference: an understanding paediatrician, nice midwives, respectful gynaecologists. Above all, I have a partner who took on childcare full time. Even though I didn’t have access to maternity leave, my support network had my back. The proverbial village is not only very helpful, but it’s also great for children because they get access to different kinds of adults and they become better at social skills and more, as anthropologist Sarah Blaffer Hrdy explains in detail in her book Mothers and Others.
   
2. Nothing is forever, nothing is linear! Just a few weeks ago I was desperate to wean Lorenzo but I didn’t know how to do it. I dreamt of checking myself and my sore breasts into a hotel and just disappear for a week, leaving Lorenzo and Nacho to sort it out amongst themselves. I was desperate and was experiencing breastfeeding aversion. (If you’ve never heard of aversion, check out this website, and feel free to ask questions, because Zainab Yate, the absolute expert on the topic, is part of this community!) But one day something clicked inside of me and I could suddenly see how breastfeeding would come to an end. I started telling Lorenzo that it was time for tití to rest and that he was perfectly capable of sleeping without tití, that I still loved him and would be by his side. I repeated this message for a few days until Lorenzo started saying: Ciao ciao tití, and asked to fall asleep in places other than his bed (oh, what a wise boy). Then one evening, I knew the day had come. I told him that we would sleep in a different way, and he went along with it. And so within a few days I’d weaned him and my dreams of being by myself in a hotel felt quite unnecessary.
   
3. Sleep is incredibly important. Given that we spend approximately a third of our lives sleeping (or at least we should), it’s amazing that I made it through almost four decades of life without paying more attention to sleep. I was lucky to get plenty of sleep during my pregnancy and even during the first few months of Lorenzo’s life because having a flexible job where I worked from home allowed me to sleep when Lorenzo slept. I’m not sure why I didn’t think about this earlier, but sleep is incredibly important for our wellbeing. Sleeping at least seven hours at night can improve our mood, help us consolidate our knowledge and remember things better. That’s why naps can be great for learning – and there’s even an organisation that advocates in their favour! Of course the irony is not lost on me that I’ve learnt about the importance of sleep just as my sleep now depends on how well Lorenzo sleeps. But more on that in another newsletter.
   
4. Eating is a great joy. Throughout my life I always felt guilty if I had an extra slice of bread, if I put on weight, if I didn’t exercise enough. When Lorenzo was born, his paediatrician told me that the best way to make sure I could breastfeed him without any issues was to eat whatever I fancied and to treat myself well so that I could boost my oxytocin and create more milk. I never questioned his science or researched it (if it’s total bogus, please let me know, but gently!), I just went along with it, and wow, how liberating! I could eat chocolate without thinking twice about it! Bread with honey! A huge sandwich with mozzarella cheese! There was an internal shift: as my body was feeding another body, I learnt how to eat without feeling guilty. I became so used to it that even though I’m not breastfeeding anymore I’ve developed a different relationship with my body: it’s more loving, more accepting, more understanding.
   
5. Play is a lot of fun. I’ve learnt these past two years that to accompany Lorenzo in his play I needed to reconnect to my own play experiences, rehashing some of my childhood memories, but also discovering play as an adult. I write about this often because I think that reconnecting to play has been one of the greatest joys of becoming a mother. And look, I don’t think that playing with Lorenzo is always fun, I often find it repetitive and boring. But what I find great is that I can apply a more playful attitude to my life and discover play for myself.
   
6. To take care of others I need to take care of myself. This may seem self-explanatory, but I used to think that self-sacrifice was more important than looking after myself. I was raised only two hours away from the Vatican and the Catholic morale must have slipped through all the food I ate, even though my parents are not practising. But now I know that when I push myself to the point of self-implosion by sacrificing my needs, I’m not doing Lorenzo any favours. When I’m overtired or have not had any time to myself, I know that the best thing is for me to take care of my needs first (if the context allows me to, cue back to the importance of community), before I can take care of Lorenzo.

These are pretty big lessons in life and I’m sure there are many more that I haven’t even realised yet. The bottom line is that children aren’t empty vessels we need to fill up with our knowledge or our lessons. They are people that we learn from as much as they learn from us.

What about you? What have you learnt from the children in your life? I’d love to hear from you.

So, what now, now that Lorenzo’s first 1,000 days are over? Even if they are a fundamental period of our lives, they are far from everything. Let’s not forget that childhood continues a while longer, that our brains don’t reach full maturity until our 20s, and that we all (should, at least) keep learning all through our lives. And for children who have grown up in less than ideal circumstances, it’s important to remember that no matter how difficult the circumstances of one’s first 1,000 days can be, nothing is set in stone, and even the most traumatic experiences can be reversed.

I must say that I’m quite excited to see what happens now that Lorenzo can form more articulated thoughts. I look forward to having proper conversations with him and to know that he is less dependent on me. He will continue evolving, as we all do. I’m still getting my head around plenty of stuff myself. As I told you last week, my latest mission is to become a skipping rope pro.

Stay tuned to find out about my progress!

What I’ve been reading

“I watched a boy die today.” The 2019 text by Maximillian Alvarez got right to my heart with that initial sentence. The article handles the death of a 16-year-old Guatemalan migrant in US custody. A video of the boy’s final hours show how he collapsed inside a Customs and Borders Protection cell and died hours later because of the flu. Goyito’s family requested people not to watch or share the video of the boy’s death in an attempt to give dignity to the boy’s life. “He was somebody’s baby. And he died.”

What I’ve been listening to

Quite frankly, I’ve mainly been listening to kids’ songs. My son has been singing the ABC song at kindergarten and wants it on repeat at home. When I can, I switch to something far superior: María Elena Walsh, the Argentine author and musician I wish I had had access to when I was a child. Here’s the only post I could find about her in English, but if you speak Spanish, start off with El Reino del Revés (The Kingdom of The Upside Down). Her lyrics remind me of Gianni Rodari’s apparently innocuous but deeply political nonsense. (Also, if you have any podcasts you love, your recommendations are highly welcome!)

What I’ve been watching

Emanuela Zuccalà‘s The Bush School is a hard watch. This 20-minute documentary goes into how female genital mutilation is practised in Liberia as an initiation into a secret society of women known as Sande. The film talks about how FGM is still legal and widely accepted in Liberia, but it also talks about traditions and the role of women, and what happens when there is a person who does not comply with the rules and the expectations.

Who’s been inspiring me

I recently discovered Julia Garza’s The Workbooks on Instagram, and I’m loving it. She’s a writer based in Austin, Texas, working on a visual memoir of postpartum anxiety and early motherhood and generously sharing her techniques, and struggles, along the way. Her newsletter is very genuine – find it here – and her Instagram is beautiful.

What members are saying

There’s a brand new website, and you, my members, have been leaving your first comments! Every week I will feature some here, and I will also share some of the great tips and comments you’re sending via email. I’ll start off this week with Muriel, who trains young people to work in childcare.

“Every year I try to convince the young women and (usually one) man I teach, that finding your inner child is the key to successfully mentoring children,” she writes. “During the art classes I play along. That’s contagious, in my experience…” You can read her full comment, and others, at the bottom of last week’s story, and respond directly to Muriel to get the conversation going!

What I’d love to hear from you about

How do you talk to your children about what’s happening in the news? What do you share and what do you leave out? I would love to hear your tips and resources for an upcoming newsletter! You can send me your tips by scrolling to the bottom of this story and filling in the box that says “leave a reply”.

Until next week!
With love and care,

Irene

📣 Imogen Champagne, a member of this community and a former colleague, edited and improved this newsletter with lots of love and care, logging in from Australia. Thanks, Imogen!